Let’s have a bitch session. It doesn’t have to be food-related. Get it allll out. I’ll start:
I can’t stop thinking about my mom. She’s in a nursing home, positive, asymptomatic. I don’t know what to do with myself. I bought a tub of mini-Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews when we went into lockdown and hoo boy my intake has seen a spike since I found out. I don’t know what’s going to happen after I unwrap the last one.
I'm mostly just exhausted. I'm tired of having almost no time to myself. I'm tired of being in charge of meals and doing all the mental labor of making sure we use up the proper things in the proper order and the proper amounts so that we don't run out of anything before we're supposed to. I'm tired of feeling like my kid's public school put forth zero effort with their school plans and so his education is mostly on me, but I don't have TIME to teach him the way I'd like so he's getting a crap education on top of everything else. And I'm really tired of people thinking it'll be over soon. I want it to be over soon. I worry for my grandmother. She's fine, she's safe, but she's 95. I'd planned a trip next month to see her, just because, SHE'S 95! And now we can't go. And I need her to be okay until this is over. I'm less worried about losing her to COVID than I am about losing her in general. Sometimes I just can't believe how much borrowed time we've had and how much I've squandered.
Most days I can't think beyond the next two week without feeling desperately ill at all that's ahead. (If that's you too, don't read the next few lines, stop here). But when I am calm and quiet I know it's much longer. My 3 year old knows what he wants to be for Halloween. I'm just hoping time becomes nebulous before then because I don't think we're having Halloween and they've taken so many lost treats so well but at some point, they'll know and be sad and that will break my heart.
I have to be 2 weeks out for food because otherwise we'll get caught short and my husband will start saying we NEED tomatoes or something else that was true in the before times but is unnecessary now. I hate going out for food and try to space it so no one other than me really feels the lack. And if that's not the most ridiculous womanish shit I've ever said I don't know what is.
If it’s ok with you, Debbie, I’ll add your Mom’s name to the (longer and longer) list of people in the misheberach (prayer for healing) I recite when I light Shabbat candles each Friday night...obviously, have no idea whether my “prayers” are heard, let alone whether they work, but I figure it can’t hurt. And on the subject of the asshole protestors and the LEAD asshole, don’t even GET. ME. STARTED. I don’t even recognize myself when I fantasize what should happen to them...xoxo
Let us know if there's anything we can do/help with, neighbor! Sending good vibes from down the hall. And to echo everyone above, I'm also beyond tired of the tedious and selfish people who want to put others at risk.
So sorry for your mom and the additional level of mental hope/wait/see you have with that, even as we are all trying to find the perfect hope/wait/see balance.
Our family returned to the States from living in Colombia a month ago. They are handling the pandemic better, but we worried about not having family near if something happened to us (we moved there in July as teachers). Now we're living with my parents after three weeks in quarantine and trying desperately to get them to be as careful as possible. They are dying for my sister and her family to come over and join in family time (it's my family of 4, my parents and my 2 brothers in their 20s) and that would bring us to 11 people. We keep saying that it's not safe, too many people, but are also getting weary of being the ones to try and hold the boundary constantly. And our state is going to start gradually opening next week so that means continued constant conversation about how even though there are some things opening, it's still too early, we still have to stay home, it's still not safe enough.
And we're unsure if we'll be able to return to Colombia this summer (I don't know if they'll take us dangerous North Americans!!) to our apartment and jobs or if we will have to give that all up and stay here.
Good things are that we have a yard and play space and can go on walks (the quarantine in Colombia is very strict and thus successful, but when we were there we had no possibilities for outdoor time apart from our tiny balcony). And I'm still teaching online and while that's not terrible, it's not great. Ugh. So much hard stuff for everyone right now.
you've been in my thoughts, Debbie! I'm struggling with loneliness. I'm single, and really second guessing the rejection of all of my potential suitors for the last year. All of them would be long-term wrong, but all of them would make this so much easier. As is, I turned to my 12yo the other day and told him he needed to talk to me more so I didn't go nuts.
Ohno!!!! I really really really hope your mother pulls through and you get to be reunited soon! It's been frightening to see this hit all the nursing homes.
Ok, well, you asked. :P
I had a complete anxiety breakdown out of the blue in the middle of the night when it fully set in that everything I planned and hoped for on spring and summer, absolutely nothing was going to happen, I live at the beach which is completely closed off. and the cops are completely everywhere, to the point where you always see someone getting a fine or citation, and I dont feel comfortable even going on quarantine walks anymore since everyone in my neighborhood seems to barely bother with masks and goes out in groups or families, have large gatherings at their house.
Yet there are idiots out their screaming for their right for a fucking. Haircut. And saying everything should just be opened back up in BIG. PROTEST. GROUPS. And to realize the sheer amount of people who dont seem to care about how many others would die if this happened is downright staggering.
Or thinking that since their zone isnt a hotspot and their hospitals are fine so they insist on the virus being unreal instead of maybe thinking that they should be grateful for that rather than being like places like New York, Italy and other complete hot spots. Barely anyone is being rational about this or acting like adults. Yes, I get it. It's awful for everybody right now. We gotta work to make the best of it though, and take all the precautions till a proper vaccine is out.
It's awful about the businesses and refixing the entire economy, etc but why does everyone seem to think it should be at the cost of thinking huge swaths of people are just totally cool to randomly die from this.
And i miss my therapy groups and sessions so much!!! I was finally starting to make progress and Its grinded to such a total halt my disorders are going in full panic mode.
....sorry for the length. High from marijuana since today being 4/20 feels like the last thing I have left. And oddly enough it resonates perfectly with staying put at home
Ahaha, its ok, I've some very nasty opinions of them.
It is, but it's so overfilled that it's for the major cases or in huge need. my clinic has a daily flow of somewhere in the 900+ patient range and is smaller than It should be. Aside from core staff everyone working there are interns or, in most group therapies, patients themselves. But damnit it helped. And was the only place that took my insurance and was near to me that I could find.
Though to be honest getting the weekly threads / weekly recipes to look forward still have been a great hell for me, on those days. So thankyou for them!
My kid’s school district, one of the largest and wealthiest in the entire country, is going on week 5 of failing at providing distance learning. It has been a roller coaster for my 3rd grade daughter, who one day gets to see her class and get a lesson from her teacher, then the next morning is told it’s off for another week. The instructions and sometimes entire systems are changing daily. I’m making up goalposts and assignments based on what we have access to, but it’s a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof—it was already at an all-time high before all of this began, and I feel so helpless. There is literally nothing I can do to fix it. Ugh.
Oh man, Bethany, that sounds awful. NYC has actually done a pretty good job of setting up remote learning, though I'm not sure how much my kid actually learning. (And obviously, we're coming from a place of privilege that he's got his own laptop, etc.) Would it help to just accept that this sucks, you're not a homeschooler, and the end of the school year might be a wash?
A few friends have decided to pass on any further academic instruction this year, but I have trouble allowing myself to think that’s okay. Third grade is the first year of the “advanced” program here and I have convinced myself, against all reason, that all of my daughter’s classmates’ parents have carefully crafted full-day homeschool programs or something and she be woefully behind next fall and for the rest of her life. (Thanks, anxiety!) I definitely need to accept that the stakes are truly not that high. And keep up my weekly tele-therapy :)
Bethany if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I taught elementary school for 10 years, mostly 1st and 3rd grade and walked away with almost all my supplies because I'd paid for them myself. I've been emailing worksheets and projects to my friends here.
Praying for your mom and you. I am tired of folks not thinking this is real. Or even a friend who I respected before who is an engineer saying he wants out of shelter in place because his kitchen renovation needs new paint and his state just stopped paint sales last week. He wants paint but not healthy neighbors and everyone?!
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. We live across the street from a “home” nursing home and it is heartbreaking to see the families stand at the end of the driveway to wave hello. I pray she stays asymptomatic and you can be together soon.
I am struggling with alllll the anxiety. I’m worried about my family getting sick (3 asthmatic kids and a husband who has had ER visit worthy pneumonia twice in the last two years). I’m worried about what the new “normal” is going to look like. I know it’s not going to be the same and the implications of changes I’m hearing about have the potential to have drastic effects on our long term situation. I’m worried about society going absolutions bat shit crazy. I live in NorCal, not a hotspot but definitely covid activity, and the people demanding everything to open up NOW makes me feel sick. There’s just so much uncertainty.
Thinking of you and this uniquely terrifying, out of control situation. I’m tired of wearing baggy clothes and feeling useless as a mom, teacher and worker! The other side of the coin is the precious time I get to spend with my loved ones and all the time I get to spend in the kitchen.
The baggy clothes, Maren! As a person who's worked from home since 2002, I have to say: Put on real clothes. It makes a huge difference. I don't wear makeup, etc, but I do get dressed every morning in pants that zip. Jeans and chinos mostly, but that's enough to make me feel human and somewhat in control.
I'm right there with you! I love having my kids with me and seeing them so much, even though I'm exhausted and feel useless.
Debbie, I can't do real clothes though!! I wash everything after a single wearing now and I can't bear to handwash my nicer shirts/destroy my jeans by washing them every day...esp. cause lots of them were new. I want them to be nice when we get out of this!
I’m sorry, that’s scary. My main concern right now is also my mom. She is in chemo so she’s high risk and has has various other weird issues and problems and went into the hospital last night for a blood clot. She’s far away and it just makes me so sad that I don’t know when I’ll see her and my dad again. It’s the thing I want most right now.
I'm so sorry, Cortney. I'm not sure if this helps, but this morning the administrator at my mom's nursing home said they had a relatively new resident--she'd just moved in after outliving hospice care for cancer--who got COVID and recovered! This disease is so random and inexplicable, in so many ways. I hope your mom's ok.
I’m sorry to hear. I hope she stays healthy and asymptotic.
I'm mostly just exhausted. I'm tired of having almost no time to myself. I'm tired of being in charge of meals and doing all the mental labor of making sure we use up the proper things in the proper order and the proper amounts so that we don't run out of anything before we're supposed to. I'm tired of feeling like my kid's public school put forth zero effort with their school plans and so his education is mostly on me, but I don't have TIME to teach him the way I'd like so he's getting a crap education on top of everything else. And I'm really tired of people thinking it'll be over soon. I want it to be over soon. I worry for my grandmother. She's fine, she's safe, but she's 95. I'd planned a trip next month to see her, just because, SHE'S 95! And now we can't go. And I need her to be okay until this is over. I'm less worried about losing her to COVID than I am about losing her in general. Sometimes I just can't believe how much borrowed time we've had and how much I've squandered.
Most days I can't think beyond the next two week without feeling desperately ill at all that's ahead. (If that's you too, don't read the next few lines, stop here). But when I am calm and quiet I know it's much longer. My 3 year old knows what he wants to be for Halloween. I'm just hoping time becomes nebulous before then because I don't think we're having Halloween and they've taken so many lost treats so well but at some point, they'll know and be sad and that will break my heart.
Carrie, I wish I could hug you. I agree with Bethany--thinking two weeks out right now is a major achievement.
I have to be 2 weeks out for food because otherwise we'll get caught short and my husband will start saying we NEED tomatoes or something else that was true in the before times but is unnecessary now. I hate going out for food and try to space it so no one other than me really feels the lack. And if that's not the most ridiculous womanish shit I've ever said I don't know what is.
Those first few sentences sum up just how I’m feeling! It is SO MUCH WORK to keep everything running at home and it feels invisible sometimes.
And I think you’re doing great to be able to think about the next two weeks—I’m having trouble thinking past two days.
If it’s ok with you, Debbie, I’ll add your Mom’s name to the (longer and longer) list of people in the misheberach (prayer for healing) I recite when I light Shabbat candles each Friday night...obviously, have no idea whether my “prayers” are heard, let alone whether they work, but I figure it can’t hurt. And on the subject of the asshole protestors and the LEAD asshole, don’t even GET. ME. STARTED. I don’t even recognize myself when I fantasize what should happen to them...xoxo
That would be lovely, Olivia. My mom did that all through my childhood when she lit the candles.
Let us know if there's anything we can do/help with, neighbor! Sending good vibes from down the hall. And to echo everyone above, I'm also beyond tired of the tedious and selfish people who want to put others at risk.
❤️❤️❤️
So sorry for your mom and the additional level of mental hope/wait/see you have with that, even as we are all trying to find the perfect hope/wait/see balance.
Our family returned to the States from living in Colombia a month ago. They are handling the pandemic better, but we worried about not having family near if something happened to us (we moved there in July as teachers). Now we're living with my parents after three weeks in quarantine and trying desperately to get them to be as careful as possible. They are dying for my sister and her family to come over and join in family time (it's my family of 4, my parents and my 2 brothers in their 20s) and that would bring us to 11 people. We keep saying that it's not safe, too many people, but are also getting weary of being the ones to try and hold the boundary constantly. And our state is going to start gradually opening next week so that means continued constant conversation about how even though there are some things opening, it's still too early, we still have to stay home, it's still not safe enough.
And we're unsure if we'll be able to return to Colombia this summer (I don't know if they'll take us dangerous North Americans!!) to our apartment and jobs or if we will have to give that all up and stay here.
Good things are that we have a yard and play space and can go on walks (the quarantine in Colombia is very strict and thus successful, but when we were there we had no possibilities for outdoor time apart from our tiny balcony). And I'm still teaching online and while that's not terrible, it's not great. Ugh. So much hard stuff for everyone right now.
Thanks for the thread. It's good to vent.
Wow, you're dealing with a lot! How do the kids like being here?
you've been in my thoughts, Debbie! I'm struggling with loneliness. I'm single, and really second guessing the rejection of all of my potential suitors for the last year. All of them would be long-term wrong, but all of them would make this so much easier. As is, I turned to my 12yo the other day and told him he needed to talk to me more so I didn't go nuts.
Oh, that sounds hard, Sara. The hunger for human connection--adult connection--is so real.
Ohno!!!! I really really really hope your mother pulls through and you get to be reunited soon! It's been frightening to see this hit all the nursing homes.
Ok, well, you asked. :P
I had a complete anxiety breakdown out of the blue in the middle of the night when it fully set in that everything I planned and hoped for on spring and summer, absolutely nothing was going to happen, I live at the beach which is completely closed off. and the cops are completely everywhere, to the point where you always see someone getting a fine or citation, and I dont feel comfortable even going on quarantine walks anymore since everyone in my neighborhood seems to barely bother with masks and goes out in groups or families, have large gatherings at their house.
Yet there are idiots out their screaming for their right for a fucking. Haircut. And saying everything should just be opened back up in BIG. PROTEST. GROUPS. And to realize the sheer amount of people who dont seem to care about how many others would die if this happened is downright staggering.
Or thinking that since their zone isnt a hotspot and their hospitals are fine so they insist on the virus being unreal instead of maybe thinking that they should be grateful for that rather than being like places like New York, Italy and other complete hot spots. Barely anyone is being rational about this or acting like adults. Yes, I get it. It's awful for everybody right now. We gotta work to make the best of it though, and take all the precautions till a proper vaccine is out.
It's awful about the businesses and refixing the entire economy, etc but why does everyone seem to think it should be at the cost of thinking huge swaths of people are just totally cool to randomly die from this.
And i miss my therapy groups and sessions so much!!! I was finally starting to make progress and Its grinded to such a total halt my disorders are going in full panic mode.
....sorry for the length. High from marijuana since today being 4/20 feels like the last thing I have left. And oddly enough it resonates perfectly with staying put at home
Do NOT get me started on those protesting assholes. I think such evil thoughts about them and what I hope happens to them.
Is teletherapy not possible where you are? I've been seeing my therapist weekly since this started and it's a big help.
Happy 420! I think I'll be indulging in a little of that tonight, too.
Ahaha, its ok, I've some very nasty opinions of them.
It is, but it's so overfilled that it's for the major cases or in huge need. my clinic has a daily flow of somewhere in the 900+ patient range and is smaller than It should be. Aside from core staff everyone working there are interns or, in most group therapies, patients themselves. But damnit it helped. And was the only place that took my insurance and was near to me that I could find.
Though to be honest getting the weekly threads / weekly recipes to look forward still have been a great hell for me, on those days. So thankyou for them!
Happy 420! Enjoy, you've more than deserved it.
Wow, a Delilah, thank you so much. I’m honored to think that my little newsletter helps you.
My kid’s school district, one of the largest and wealthiest in the entire country, is going on week 5 of failing at providing distance learning. It has been a roller coaster for my 3rd grade daughter, who one day gets to see her class and get a lesson from her teacher, then the next morning is told it’s off for another week. The instructions and sometimes entire systems are changing daily. I’m making up goalposts and assignments based on what we have access to, but it’s a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof—it was already at an all-time high before all of this began, and I feel so helpless. There is literally nothing I can do to fix it. Ugh.
Oh man, Bethany, that sounds awful. NYC has actually done a pretty good job of setting up remote learning, though I'm not sure how much my kid actually learning. (And obviously, we're coming from a place of privilege that he's got his own laptop, etc.) Would it help to just accept that this sucks, you're not a homeschooler, and the end of the school year might be a wash?
A few friends have decided to pass on any further academic instruction this year, but I have trouble allowing myself to think that’s okay. Third grade is the first year of the “advanced” program here and I have convinced myself, against all reason, that all of my daughter’s classmates’ parents have carefully crafted full-day homeschool programs or something and she be woefully behind next fall and for the rest of her life. (Thanks, anxiety!) I definitely need to accept that the stakes are truly not that high. And keep up my weekly tele-therapy :)
Bethany if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I taught elementary school for 10 years, mostly 1st and 3rd grade and walked away with almost all my supplies because I'd paid for them myself. I've been emailing worksheets and projects to my friends here.
You are so so kind. Thank you! I will definitely keep your offer in mind!
I’m sorry Debbie. Hopefully she remains asymptomatic. We have some job instability now over here. 😔
Oh no, Sarah. I hope everything's ok.
Sarah I hope everything works out. Job instability is really scary on top of having to worry about everything else. I'm really sorry.
Well, we have survived lay off with a pretty massive pay cut.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, I'm not sorry that you survived lay off obviously but about the pay cut. That I'm sorry about.
Thanks. We will be fine I’m sure (somehow), but just one more thing on the never ending list, right?
Praying for your mom and you. I am tired of folks not thinking this is real. Or even a friend who I respected before who is an engineer saying he wants out of shelter in place because his kitchen renovation needs new paint and his state just stopped paint sales last week. He wants paint but not healthy neighbors and everyone?!
I don't understand how smart, educated people can be so foolish.
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. We live across the street from a “home” nursing home and it is heartbreaking to see the families stand at the end of the driveway to wave hello. I pray she stays asymptomatic and you can be together soon.
I am struggling with alllll the anxiety. I’m worried about my family getting sick (3 asthmatic kids and a husband who has had ER visit worthy pneumonia twice in the last two years). I’m worried about what the new “normal” is going to look like. I know it’s not going to be the same and the implications of changes I’m hearing about have the potential to have drastic effects on our long term situation. I’m worried about society going absolutions bat shit crazy. I live in NorCal, not a hotspot but definitely covid activity, and the people demanding everything to open up NOW makes me feel sick. There’s just so much uncertainty.
Oh Stephannie, I hear you on the anxiety. It's hard to know what to worry about first!
Thinking of you and this uniquely terrifying, out of control situation. I’m tired of wearing baggy clothes and feeling useless as a mom, teacher and worker! The other side of the coin is the precious time I get to spend with my loved ones and all the time I get to spend in the kitchen.
The baggy clothes, Maren! As a person who's worked from home since 2002, I have to say: Put on real clothes. It makes a huge difference. I don't wear makeup, etc, but I do get dressed every morning in pants that zip. Jeans and chinos mostly, but that's enough to make me feel human and somewhat in control.
I'm right there with you! I love having my kids with me and seeing them so much, even though I'm exhausted and feel useless.
Debbie, I can't do real clothes though!! I wash everything after a single wearing now and I can't bear to handwash my nicer shirts/destroy my jeans by washing them every day...esp. cause lots of them were new. I want them to be nice when we get out of this!
Are you washing everything because you're worried about coronavirus? You don't have to be! I investigated and wrote this for WebMD: https://www.webmd.com/lung/news/20200401/coronavirus-on-fabric-what-you-should-know
I’m sorry, that’s scary. My main concern right now is also my mom. She is in chemo so she’s high risk and has has various other weird issues and problems and went into the hospital last night for a blood clot. She’s far away and it just makes me so sad that I don’t know when I’ll see her and my dad again. It’s the thing I want most right now.
I'm so sorry, Cortney. I'm not sure if this helps, but this morning the administrator at my mom's nursing home said they had a relatively new resident--she'd just moved in after outliving hospice care for cancer--who got COVID and recovered! This disease is so random and inexplicable, in so many ways. I hope your mom's ok.
amazing! Thanks. My mom has bee through a lot her whole life and always pulls through. She is so strong. We just have to think positively.